The sound of a clanging bell woke me from a deep, jet-lagged sleep. It was 5:30 am. I put on my navy blue linen temple clothes. Outside, I was met by a heavy mountain mist that blanketed the temple grounds. I heard a wooden clacking and followed it. Through the mist, I could see a man dressed in a black ceremonial robe. He vaguely resembled Lord Varys from Game of Thrones, only because he was wearing something ancient looking and seemed slightly persnickety. He bowed with a small smile as I entered the zendo (the meditation hall) where the morning meditation was about to take place. Inside, it was dark and candlelit and smelled of incense. Five men and one woman sat strewn about the large wooden room, all of them sitting on black cushions and facing the wall, ready to meditate together for forty minutes.
I sat down on an empty cushion next to a silver haired woman. Three low bells rang to indicate the beginning of morning zazen (a forty minute seated meditation). As I began to settle in, my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a man's boisterous laugh. I smiled thinking he was recalling a funny memory. But when the laugh continued sporadically throughout the rest of the meditation period, a deep fear began to trickle in as I realized I am quite possibly living with a crazy person. I held it together through the short Zen ceremony that’s performed every morning after zazen. Then I hustled the hell out of the zendo and cornered Frank, the dark comic I had initially talked to on the phone, and asked him why the fuck he didn’t tell me about the alleged crazy person. He told me the laughing man was the least of my worries.
Day 09. DOKUSAN
I've started doing dokusan with one of the Zen masters at the temple. Dokusan is when a Zen student meets with a Zen master in a small candlelit room so the Zen student can learn more about Zen and how fucked up she really is.
I was informed that my Zen master’s name means ‘Soaring Eagle of Profundity,’ but I opted to call him ‘Cowboy’ because we're informal and he used to be a cowboy.
Cowboy and I met in the candlelit room only a few times before he asked me what's wrong with my life. I blinked awkwardly for awhile wondering what he knew and then gave him that high-pitched voice people use when they’re lying, “Nothing!” He smiled, “No one comes to a Zen temple because their life is going great!”
I came to the temple to find more joy, and to figure out what the hell is wrong with my marriage. I've been married for almost seven years now and, after all this time, I still don't understand how to be married. From the beginning, my husband and I had an electric spark, but that spark also seems to electrocute us on a very regular basis. And by electrocute, I mean we so easily stumble into an argument, that neither one of us knows what the hell happened to get us there.
